How Easily Disheartened I Am

It's sort of sad how easily I can be disheartened. I've been eating super strict paleo for Lent, and I actually started a day early, so I think I've done like 16 or 17 days now. I've gained a pound (lame but oh well), but worse I've gained three inches around my waist.

How is that even possible?

So frustrating. I know it shouldn't be about the numbers or how I look, but I would be lying and foolish if I said aesthetics wasn't at least a part of why I try to be so healthy. And to have it go the opposite direction. That's rough.

It's unfortunate how fragile the psyche is sometimes. How easily it goes from "I'll never lose weight," to "I'll never be pretty," to "No one will ever be attracted to me," to "I'll never find love."

How much of this can I blame on our societal obsession with slender perfection, and how much is due to my own mixed up mental and emotional state?

I'm too exhausted to have to take responsibility for it now...

Unease

I think I figured out partially why I'm uncomfortable when people say I'm beautiful. As I posted a few posts back, I don't get much male attention, therefore I don't see the evidence for me being attractive. Already gone over that. But I don't think I'm uneasy with the thought I might be beautiful simply because I'm not sure I believe it or I feel like people are stretching the truth or fooled; I think I'm partly scared that it might be true.

Because if it's true that I'm beautiful, then the lack of romantic attention throughout my life would have to be for another reason, and that would have to me a shitty personality or gaping character flaws. I know I have my share of insecurities and a penchant for the melancholy, with significant lazy and cynical streaks, but I've always thought of myself as bright, loyal, and funny. Could THAT be untrue?

That's even more worrisome, so I'm left to hope that the lacking is only with my physical appearance.

On that note, here are some pictures from a fun shoot a few weeks ago with Fleur de Lis Photography.

If strong is the new skinny, why are all the girls in your "fitspirational" pictures skinny?

Let’s be real.

I found every single one of these pictures on “Crossfit” labeled Pinterest boards or searching for crossfit tags. In response to the abundance of anorexic thinspo, there is a huge “fitspo” movement right now, touting the motto “strong is the new skinny.”

But let’s be real, these pictures are not about health. These pictures are simply holding up another beauty ideal unattainable by the vast majority of women.

I do not mean these aren't beautiful women, or that I don’t admire the hard work and dedication they've put in. They are undoubtedly gorgeous girls who likely eat well and train hard (though as all I’m seeing are pictures, I can’t rule out unhealthy habits as well; you cannot completely judge health by appearance), and I don’t question that they can perform the impressive feats to back up their appearance.

But if strong is the new skinny, why are all the girls in your fitspirational pictures skinny? Sure, they've got quads and abs and traps, and they certainly don’t look anorexic. But none of them are above a size 4, or MAYBE 6 (and then only because of the quads and glutes).

If you want to show strong girls, show girls doing strong things. Maybe they have low body fat percentage and muscle definition and flawless skin and flaxen hair and bright eyes like Camille Leblanc Bazinet and Miranda Oldroyd.

But it might be a picture of me, 200 some odd lbs and by BMI definitions morbidly obese, lifting over my body-weight  Maybe it’s a picture of a girl without makeup or who is wearing more than a sports bra and Lulu lemon shorts.

Maybe a woman who’s middle aged, or even past middle age.

Maybe someone with a disability.

For God’s sake, be impressed and inspired by the achievement of the muscle-up or clean and jerk, not the tan and oiled abs in a photo-shoot. If the focus is on how a woman LOOKS, (whether extremely lean like Kate Moss, curvy and voluptuous like Christina Hendricks, or strong and muscled like Camille and Miranda) we haven’t done away with beauty ideals, we've just switched them out.

I’ll admit I post pictures that celebrate beauty ideals; I love the world of plus size modeling and haute couture. Nothing wrong with celebrating the aesthetic of the human form, as long as it doesn't become obsessive.

But don’t confuse it with fitness.

Ramblings of evidence and self worth

I've never been asked out on a date. Closing in on 28 years old, never even had a guy ask for my phone number. I have to conclude that this means I'm not attractive to the opposite sex. Not alluring. When I was 17 it could be believed that boys were shy or mean or whatever. But I can't make that assumption anymore.

But here's the thing. I get told pretty frequently that I'm pretty. Not everyday, but maybe a few times a week, in a good week. It just happens to only ever be by women. Sometimes friends, sometimes family, sometimes acquaintances, occasionally strangers. Always female. And while I truly believe that most of these instances are honest and well-intentioned, the motive for a woman telling me I'm pretty is quite different from the motive for a man to say the same thing (For the sake of ease, as I'm heterosexual, I'm going to make a big assumption and say everyone telling/not telling me I'm pretty is also).

The only man who has ever told me I'm pretty is my dad, which is wonderful and sweet and John Eldridge-y, but there comes a point when it doesn't count anymore. My friends tell me I'm pretty and they can't understand why I don't get asked out, but I need evidence. Evidence for me being attractive to the opposite sex would require some signs that at least on occasion the opposite sex has been attracted to me.

It's wonderful to have loving friends and family. I'm blessed with some of the best. But just as I fill a part of my friend's hearts that their husbands/boyfriends can't, their men fill a part that I can't. And it's frustrating when they act as if I should be totally fine without romantic love simply because I have so much platonic love. Is it so wrong that I want someone to want to kiss me, in addition to making my friends laugh and feel safe?

idk, maybe I should be ok with it. Feminism and all that.

I'm sick of being told I'm pretty when there is no evidence to back it up.

Not screen-caps, ha :-)

Finally uploading my favorites that aren't screen shots. I can't believe this shoot was a year ago, time has flown. I would love to work with Debbie again, but I don't live there anymore. I'm hoping to do a shoot with a local photographer where I am now, hopefully soon. Moving down to LA in the spring to pursue music and modeling. Never thought I'd be that girl, but here I am :-)

Photographer: Debbie Schwab

Hair and Makeup: Kendra Hittinger

10 HONEST THOUGHTS ON BEING LOVED BY A SKINNY BOY

I stole this...

10 HONEST THOUGHTS ON BEING LOVED BY A SKINNY BOY
Rachel Wiley

1.
I say, ‘I am fat.’
He says ‘No, you are beautiful.’
I wonder why I cannot be both.
He kisses me 
hard.

2.
My college theater professor once told me
that despite my talent,
I would never be cast as a romantic lead.
We do plays that involve singing animals
and children with the ability to fly,
but apparently no one
has enough willing suspension of disbelief
to go with anyone loving a fat girl.
I daydream regularly
about fucking my boyfriend vigorously on his front lawn.

3.
On the mornings I do not feel pretty,
while he is still asleep,
I sit on the floor and check the pockets of his skinny jeans for motive,
for a punchline,
for other girls’ phone numbers.

4.
When we hold hands in public,
I wonder if he notices the looks —
like he is handling a parade balloon on a crowded sidewalk;
if he notices that my hands are now made of rope.

5.
Dear Cosmo: Fuck you.
I will not take sex tips from you
on how to please a man you think I do not deserve.

6.
He tells me he loves me with the lights on.

7.
I can cup his hip bone in my hand,
feel his ribs without pressing very hard at all.
He does not believe me when I tell him he is beautiful.
Sometimes I fear the day he does will be the day he leaves.

8.
The cute hipster girl at the coffee shop
assumes we are just friends
and flirts over the counter.
I spend the next two weeks
mentally replacing myself with her
in all of our photographs.
When I admit this to him
we spend the evening taking new photos together.
He will not let me delete a single one of them.

9.
The phrase “Big girls need love too” can die in a fire.
Fucking me does not require an asterisk.
Loving me is not a fetish.
Finding me beautiful is not a novelty.
I am not a fucking novelty.

10.
I say, ‘I am fat.’
He says, ‘No. You are so much more’,
and kisses me
hard

Food Log 1/25/12

10:15AM

-scramble with sausage, onions, spinach, bell peppers

-hot berries

-darjeeling tea

3:15PM

-spiced lamb burger

-salad of kumatos, avocado, cucumber, strawberry, and balsamic vinnegar

(only are about 2/3 of the salad)

8:00PM

-two smaller lamb burgers with sliced kumatos on top

-baked banana with cinnamon, almond butter, and coconut butter

-kale chips (I could have eaten 10 times as many as I made)